The Top 16 Signs You're at a Bad Figure Skating Competition 16. Sponsored by Acme Ass Pads. 15. "Would the holder of lucky ticket 2220 please report to the box office to receive a whack on the knee with a crowbar!" 14. The Chili-Powered Competition is a real turnoff. 13. The highest marks for technical merit are given to Boom Boom Magorsky, Zamboni driver. 12. Starbucks logo tattooed on the ass of every skater. 11. Judges not impressed by your "Oh, Calcutta" routine, despite the rather obvious effects of the cold air. 10. "And now, singing our national anthem, please welcome Fran Drescher!" 9. First time you've seen points awarded for a "Triple Klutz" and a "Triple Putz." 8. The biggest cheer of the night occurs when the Zamboni runs down Elvis Stojko. 7. The mixed pairs competition breaks down into an all-out grope-fest. 6. During the pairs ice dancing, some crazed toothless Canadian cross-checks the couples into the boards. 5. Thin ice on the lake results in three drownings before the prelims come up. 4. Tara Lipinski cancels at last minute, is replaced by Monica Lewinsky. 3. More butts hitting the ice than at the annual R.J. Reynolds Ice Fishing Tournament. 2. Brian Boitano's new program interprets history of male pattern baldness. and the Number 1 Sign You're at a Bad Figure Skating Competition... 1. Oksana Baiul is chipping ice out of the rink for margaritas. (joke-id:444) Back to the lists-index